Userunfriendly's Short Shorts
by Userunfriendly
Summary: This contains my insane comedy stories. No common theme, except that I like Greg House and Allison Cameron. Yes, I am totally nutty. Now includes "PPTH!", in which House sings a "Village People" song. Enjoy!
1. Chase's Short Shorts

Disclaimer:  
I no own,  
So you no sue!  
The Litigation sensation that's gripping the nation!

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This thread contains my comedies. They really have no particular common theme, except that I like Allison Cameron and Greg House. So enjoy! (Um...I ended up deleting my original thread, with the reviews. But I couldn't figure out how to make changes into a story once it was extracted from a document.)

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(This piece of insanity was inspired by House's comment about Chase's "Short Shorts" in Season Two, in "Spin", and the "Friends" episode, "The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends." Season Three, Thirteenth Episode. You know which one I'm talking about.) 

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**Chase's Short Shorts**

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It had been just a long, tiring day at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. It always seems longest on Fridays, didn't it? Well, House and his team had solved a really hard case that they had been working on since Monday, and everyone was already planning for the weekend when House, Cameron, Chase and Foreman got the summons to appear at Cuddy's office at four.

They had already begun to change their clothes in anticipation of the three day weekend. House and Cameron were planning to take advantage of the wonderful weather over Labor Day to ride down to Atlantic City in House's new vintage Triumph motorcycle. Foreman was attending a conference in Johns Hopkins, and Chase was going to play football with a new club he had just joined. Of course, House had mocked him unmercifully, calling it "Rugby", while Chase insisted it was "Football". Wilson was planning a getaway with some girl, and not even House had been able to pry loose the details.

Chase was already waiting for the rest of them in Cuddy's office, sprawled on Cuddy's sofa. He was half dozing, while scanning a magazine on scuba diving. His latest girlfriend Meggie was totally into that, and it sounded like fun.

Foreman and Wilson walked in, both dressed in suits. They looked at Dr. Robert Chase dressed in his "Football" uniform, and both of them looked sympathetically at the young Australian doctor. They knew that as soon as House showed up, he was going to be severely mocked for wearing "Short Shorts". Why did Chase do things like that? For a doctor, he could do the dumbest things at times. Didn't he think? He knew that this was going to provoke House to new heights of...snarkiness and mockingtude. Wilson shook his head. The poor boy was so going to get it.

"Hey Chase. Nice outfit there." Maybe Chase would get the hint.

"Yeah, Meggie loves it. She's going to come to see the scrim tonight." Oh no, once the girlfriend likes the outfit, you had to wear it. Poor Chase, he was doomed.

"Anyway, anyone know why Cuddy called us here?"

"No idea." Of course Wilson knew, but he wanted to give her the fun of telling everyone. House had probably already figured out that Cuddy was pregnant, but only she and Wilson knew he was the father. They had refrained from telling anyone about their relationship until after the first trimester. Wilson couldn't believe her courage, to go on after two failures and one miscarriage. That would have broken most women, but Cuddy had seen the best Fertility experts in the country, and in six more months, their little daughter would be born. He was going to be a father! Of course House had naturally noticed his spontaneous goofy grins he had for the last few days, but he was too preoccupied with Cameron, and dismissed it simply as Wilson getting laid. Boy, was he in for a surprise!

Chase sighed in boredom, and shifted around, leaning back into the sofa. Wilson was shocked that now he could see up Robert's shorts, and "Little Robert" was clearly visible.

"I think I'm going to get some coffee. Want any Chase? Um...Foreman, why don't you come with me?" Chase nodded his thanks, and Foreman follows Wilson out into the main reception, clearly puzzled.

"What's going on?"

"Robert's coming out." spoke Wilson seriously. Though he had to hold in his sides TIGHT to keep from bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

"What? Wilson, what the heck are you talking about? Chase isn't gay. Or is he? Is that the big news is about?"

"Where did you get that from? No...um...Chase is...he's coming out of his shorts."

"What?!"

"Chase is showing brain."

"Are you sure?" Wilson hands Foreman a paper cup of coffee from the reception desk, and points to Cuddy's office. Foreman, nodding his understanding, goes back in to give Chase his coffee. He's practically running out of Cuddy's office after verifying Wilson's story...

"OH MY GOD!!!"

"Well?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Foreman is practically hopping, trying to hold in his giggles. The nurses still at the reception look in astonishment at the normally grave and serious doctor.

"What do we do? What do we do?" asked Foreman with a huge grin on his face.

"We should just go in and tell him. Or..."

"Or?"

"We could just wait for every one else to get here. Especially House..."

Foreman is sputtering trying to hold in his laughter. The thought of House seeing Chase like that, and the inevitable snarking that would ensue was...evil. And funny.

"Ok, but Wilson, if I see THAT again, I think I'm going to totally lose it!"

"Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it."

"Like an eclipse."

Wilson nods his head. The two of them share a nod of perfect understanding, while they try desperately to hold in their hilarity before going back into Cuddy's office.

Luckily for our two doctors, House, Cameron and Cuddy showed up only a few minutes later...

Cuddy bounced into her office, nothing could make this day bad. She stood and waited for House and Cameron dressed in their motorcycle leathers to follow her in.

"Now guys, I suppose..." Cuddy turned around to look at Foreman and Chase sitting on the sofa. Chase had scooted up, as Cuddy entered. As it happened, that gave Cuddy an even better view of Robert's "Little Robert" than even Wilson had. Cuddy's jaw dropped to the floor and her eyes literally bulged from their sockets. Of course this made House and Cameron turn around, to see what had made Cuddy react in that way...

House pulled Cuddy's clipboard from her unresisting hands and covered her stomach with it. He bent down to talk to Cuddy's abdomen...

"Don't look, Mini-Cuddy! You'll be scarred for life!"

House straightened up, and glared at Robert Chase.

"Chase, this is a family hospital. Put the Wombat back in the house."

At this point Chase looks down, and seeing that he had just exposed himself to his coworkers, his boss and his boss's boss, runs out of the hospital, his face flaming like the sun. Meanwhile, everyone else in Cuddy's office are literally rolling on the floor, laughing their butts off.

(Next Tuesday)

Dr. Robert Chase walked into PPTH, his face still blushing, and scared about what House had planned for him today. He was right to be afraid, to be VERY afraid...

Everyone was waiting for him...

Naturally, House spoke first. "Ooh man, dig that crazy wombat."

Cameron, tongue firmly in cheek sang "Who wears short shorts?"

Foreman covers his face in pretended shock, and sang his line on cue." He wears short shorts!"

Then it was Wilson's turn. Wilson had tried to beg off during rehearsal, trying to claim a bad singing voice, but House had threatened him with his cane. "They're such short shorts!"

At this point, House couldn't resist growling at Wilson. "Stop drooling, Jimmy!"

It was House turn again, this time shaking his head sadly. "Chase likes short shorts!"

Cuddy, who popped her head out of her office (holding her sides tight to keep from giggling) sang out "Who wears short shorts?"

Foreman points to Chase and sang the last line. "He wear short shorts."

Robert Chase fell to the ground, trying to ignore the giggling and pointing nurses. He put his head between his knees, and groaned. This was going to be SUCH a long day...


	2. Allison Cameron, Warrior Princess MD

This story was inspired by Allison Cameron's long (Xena-like) bangs at the beginning of Season 3.

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**Allison Cameron, Warrior Princess MD.**

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Allison Cameron, Warrior Princess and Monster Destroyer was riding along the gentle sloping hills of fabled New Jersey, followed by her faithful sidekicks, the grumpy Foreman and Chase, he of the hair obsession.

"Why does she get to ride the horse? Huh? We just get to trot along clapping two coconut halves together!!! Where's the justice in that?" whined Chase.

"Because the Great God House likes her best. And because you insist on dragging along several hundred pounds of hair care products. Me, I just got these cool threads to pack, and they don't weigh nearly as much as your junk." smirked Foreman.

"Oh man, I wish the Great God House wasn't too cheap to get us horses too!!! This totally..." began the whiny Chase.

"SHUT UP!!! Do you want the Great God House to punish you?" interrupted Foreman. Not that he cared if Chase was punished, but usually the Great God House would punish Foreman along as well. He still remembered the time House had made Chase and himself search the great volcanic sulfur springs of Nimrahsa for the mystical game cartridge that he claimed to have dropped accidentally. Hearing Chase complain for twenty hours straight about his split ends was enough to drive anyone to homicide. Not to mention his new Armani jacket lost ALL its creases.

"Come on, boys!!! Adventure awaits!!!" said the fabled Valkyrie princess. She was riding along the fabled hills of New Jersey, on a mission of righting wrongs, and punishing evil, and they were only a few miles away from the great mall of Athens, and several coupons for shoes were burning a hole in her pocket. Hey, her career was great, but shoes were just shoes, unless they were Prada!

Suddenly, her magical and mystical cell phone rang. She pulled it out of her vest pocket, and flipped it open. Her Valkyrie sisters sneered at her for discarding the traditional Valkyrie outfit consisting of a bronze bra and short leather skirt. Cameron had discarded the outfit down the nearest well after her first cold morning. The chilled metal of her bronze bra was not worth conforming with tradition. Besides, everyone knew the real reason why her Valkyrie sisters disliked her. The Great God House liked her the best. Who cared if everyone disliked her, as long as a girl was popular with the gods, the rest could just go hang.

"Girlfriend!!! We are like, totally in deep major doggy poop! I, like, so totally hate my life now! This is like, so totally bogus!" the slightly shrill voice of the Goddess Cuddy, she of the low cut tops and the Queen of all the Gods. Of course, the Great Goddess Cuddy spoke in the secret language of the Valkyrie warriors, or Val-Speak. Usually, only the Great God House called on her cell, Allison Cameron's magical link to the divine God of Snark and Healing. He would flirt with her, and give her the information for her next quest. The fact that the Great Goddess Cuddy was calling meant that something was wrong...

"Chill girlfriend! You know that Allison Cameron, Warrior Princess and Monster Destroyer totally got your back! Now slow down, girlfriend, and give me the straight poop. You know, that like, I totally am so ready for anything!" replied Cameron.

"I miss my honey!!! The evil demon Vogler gave House a ninety inch plasma television set, a complete surround sound system, a super high def dvd player, a xbox 360, and all the games he could get his hands on!!! So House and Wilson are like totally sitting in his pad, watching and playing video games, and scarfing down pizzas! I want my huggy bear! I need him to like, totally show me his latest ugly tie, and his new pocket protector, and make lame jokes! Oh yeah, House needs to do his Clinic hours too." ranted and raved the Great Goddess Cuddy.

The Clinic...the dark underworld in which only the Great God House could control and hold back the hordes of the demons of insanity. Allison Cameron shuddered at the thought of the dreaded Boxcutter demons, the evil Jelly Girls and the other fiends of stupidity. Only the Great God House could prevent all of Humanity from being engulfed by the darkness. Of course, of only slightly less importance, the Great Goddess Cuddy needed to be placated with the return of her favorite...cuddle toy. Or in her righteous wrath, if she was deprived of the company of the Great God Wilson for too long, her shrieks of wrath would start titanic hurricanes, and her screams would deafen all of humanity. Not to mention that she was quite fond of the Great God Wilson, god of niceness and pocket protectors. She never quite understood the Great God Cuddy's love of pocket protectors, her tastes lay in divine scruffiness and piercing blue eyes. But it was important to get Wilson back too.

"We are so totally there, girlfriend! Give me the straight poop, and I'll head for House's pad right now!" replied the inimitable Allison Cameron, Warrior Princess and Monster Destroyer. It wasn't like Allison Cameron, Warrior Princess didn't know how to get to the divine House's pad. She had ridden often on the back of his magical Honda chariot, but in his efforts to foil the Goddess Cuddy from making him do his Clinic hours, the Great God House had made his bachelor pad able to dodge and weave across space and time, like a nicer version of the Tardis.

With a flash, a magically powered TomTom appeared in front of Allison Cameron, Warrior Princess. The trusty Chase picked up the mystical locater tool, and handed it to the doughty Warrior Princess. Allison Cameron flipped open the screen, and pushed the buttons in the appropriate magical incantation. The cursor blinked a friendly green, and Allison Cameron reared her mighty steed in the approved heroic fashion, and trotted off toward the sunset, followed by her trusty sidekicks, clapping coconut halves together.

The redoubtable Chase valiantly sacrificed himself to buy the escape of Allison Cameron, and Foreman from vile danger. Ok, it wasn't that vile, it was just a pack of Georgia demons. Ok, it wasn't a pack, just four Georgia demons. And it wasn't dangerous, just kinda gross, since Georgia demons don't kill people, they just like to make out and grope good looking guys. Ok, Chase didn't really sacrifice himself, Foreman tripped him, so that the slow moving Georgia demons would catch him. And when Allison Cameron and Foreman started to giggle, at the helpless screams of Wombat Boy, it was really a sign of respect for his unselfish act. Oh heck, who are we fooling here?

The grumpy yet snappy dresser Foreman was lost to several Breast Exam demons. The blond, fashionably dressed demons ran down Foreman, and all of them made Foreman give them exams. Allison Cameron did notice that Foreman didn't seem to run as fast as she had seen him do, but considering that the demons in question are rather good looking, she just muttered one of the sacred slogans of the Goddess Cuddy, "Men are stupid." and rode off alone.

Finally, Allison Cameron reached the sacred bachelor pad of the Great God House. She entered the front door and saw the two Gods engrossed in a video of monster chariots.

"Finally! My lord, you are paged by the Great Goddess Cuddy!" Allison Cameron strode into the living room, in the approved heroic fashion, and immediately bumped into the invisible forcefield of Snark generated by the magic of the Great God House. Allison Cameron next did all the approved things that Warrior Princesses are supposed to do when facing an invisible forcefield. She banged on it with her fists, and shouted at the two reclining gods, who proceeded to ignore her, since sound didn't carry through forcefields. After stamping her foot in frustration, in a cute and endearing way, she flipped open her cellphone, and called the Great Goddess Cuddy.

"Girlfriend!!! Like, totally, it is so complicated!!! House like got this annoying forcefield, and I nearly broke a nail pounding on it!!! I can't break through it!" cried the frustrated heroine to the Great Goddess.

"Ok, looks like we have to do something, like, you know, smart." replied Cuddy. She had appeared in front of Allison Cameron, teleporting from the abode of the Gods.

"No way! Like, that makes my head hurt!"

"You'll like this one!" said the Great Goddess, with a smirk. Cuddy took the hand of the puzzled Warrior Princess, and walked around the forcefield until they were clearly visible to both boys. House and Wilson were still completely engrossed as Gravedigger rolled over another chariot, but they could see the two of them, they just didn't pay any attention. Cuddy would cure that real soon.

"Ok, Cameron, the trick is to make the guys forget all about their silly, totally dorky chariots. And what is the best way to do that?" Allison Cameron smirked back at the Great Goddess. Cuddy was so smart!

The Goddess Cuddy looked to make sure that both House and Wilson could see them both, and she reached up to Allison Cameron's hair, and pulled her down for a deep, soulful kiss. (with tongue) Then, the two gorgeous women let their hands wander, ending up with the both of them touching each other's perfect behinds. At this point, they snuck a look at the two errant gods, and were pleased at the sight of House and Wilson, oblivious to the monster chariots, staring at them with their mouths wide open. Wilson even had a string of drool coming out of a corner of his mouth. Of course, the forcefield of Snark had disappeared due to the prurient thoughts of the two gods.

"Got you!!!" shouted the Great God Cuddy, and she grabbed the errant God Wilson by his toga, and in a flash of divine light, vanished with Wilson, as they transported to her love nest to have her wicked way with him. Allison Cameron cheered as once again, true love had conquered monster chariots. She still had no idea why the Great God Cuddy was so turned on by pocket protectors and ugly ties, which clashed horribly with Wilson's toga, but no mere mortal could understand the ways of the gods. Now the Great God House, on the other hand...it was easy to see why he was considered the sexiest of all the gods. She then turned to House with a self satisfied smirk, knowing what was likely to follow Wilson's disappearance.

"Hey! We were having fun! Now I'm stuck feeling frisky while Wilson gets to play!" snarked the divine House.

"My lord, I shall be most glad to take care of your needs." purred Allison Cameron in her most sultry voice. She grabbed House's hand, and pulled him into the bedroom.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER:

"Man, what is it with the Great God House? I mean he's got almost every cute goddess in the pantheon, and all the mortal women panting after him! It just isn't fair!" whined Chase. He had finally managed to get away from the Georgia demons, and as retribution, he had pulled Foreman from the clutches of the Breast Exam demons. They had then retreated to the nearest wine shop, to await Allison Cameron's return from the bedchamber of the Great God House.

"Gotta be the the scruff and the cane." intoned the highly inebriated and still grumpy Foreman.

"Yep, I wish I had a limp and a cane. Then maybe I could score more." whined Chase.

IN THE BEDCHAMBER OF THE GREAT GOD HOUSE:

Allison Cameron was sitting up in bed, scarfing down several pizzas. The celestial pizza parlor delivered in 30 seconds, or your money back. She needed strength for the second round. Actually it was more like the seventh or eighth round. Everyone knew that the gods had stamina in the bedchamber far, far exceeding the mortals. Poor Allison Cameron needed to revitalize herself before resuming her ascension of Mt. Gregory.

The Great God House was kicking back, puffing on a cigar, waiting for Allison Cameron to finish eating. Life was good. Then he heard Chase's comment, since he could hear everything his devoted servants said, whenever he wished. He smiled evilly. Time for some fun. He snapped his fingers, and the warrior princess wanna-be, Petra Gilmar appeared in their bedchamber. Of course Allison Cameron shrieked and covered herself with pizza boxes, but she glanced at her god, and saw his evil smirk, and she knew this was going to be fun.

"Petra, it seems wombat boy wants a limp and a cane so he'd be able to score more. Wanna help him out?" smirked the Great God House. Cameron giggled helplessly, as Petra Gilmar was teleported away by House's powers. Knowing just how jealous Petra Gilmar was of the fact that House liked Cameron the best, Petra was sure to be incensed at the sight of Cameron in House's bedchamber. She was undoubtedly going to take out her rage on poor Chase and Foreman...

ONE DAY LATER:

Allison Cameron Warrior Princess and Monster Destroyer rode away from the abode of the Great God House to meet up with Chase and Foreman. Life was good, except for poor Chase and Foreman. When she caught up with them, she found the two of them hobbling around with a cane, with more than a full day's worth of scruff on their cheeks. The girls do indeed like a guy with scruff and a cane, but since Petra Gilmar had stepped on their (deleted) with her Prada Shoes, they were in no condition to appreciate the attention. Allison Cameron fell to the ground giggling helplessly...

"WHAT THE HECK!!!" Dr. Allison Cameron woke up from her nap, and found herself sitting in her sofa as the closing credits and theme music for 'Xena: Warrior Princess' finished up on her television. The empty glass of wine on her table told their own story, corroborating her memories. She had been feeling lonely and rather blue, at finding herself alone on Saturday night. She had a couple of glasses of wine and fell asleep to the television set. God, her life was pathetic. She sat alone in her house, mooning and even dreaming of a man she didn't have. She was getting so tired of it!!! She glared at the Farside calendar on her wall, where it showed a vulture who looked as annoyed as she was feeling. The caption said, "The heck with waiting, I'm going out there and kill something!"

Allison Cameron didn't do things by impulse. She always thought things through, and was meticulous and orderly. She really was the type to schedule having fun. She was tired of it. She pulled out of a drawer a piece of paper, her loopy girlish handwriting covering the entire page. The title at the top read "Reasons Not to Get Involved With Greg House". She smiled a smile that would have terrified her coworkers had they seen it, and violently ripped the list up into a hundred pieces. She grabbed her car keys, and ran out of her house, the television still on. Something that would normally make her fret herself sick, she just didn't care tonight. She got in her car, and barely paying attention to the local traffic laws, drove to her destination.

House and Wilson were watching Spongebob SquarePants the Movie. People assumed, if any of them had been privileged enough to have the opportunity to browse through House's TiVo listing, that it was the irritable diagnostician who liked the children's cartoon. Actually it was Wilson's favorite, and since Wilson would cook House's favorite macademia nut pancakes whenever they saw the movie, House didn't mind that Wilson kept the dvd in House's place. Wilson was munching on popcorn, and even House was amused nursing a glass of scotch. It was just a quiet night for the two, the patients were cured, and they were not on call. The quiet evening of mindless vegetation was interrupted by someone kicking at the door, violently.

"BANG! BANG! BANG!"

Wilson got up, knowing that as long as he was here, House wouldn't get up unless the place was on fire. He opened the door, to find a literally terrifying sight! Cameron was standing there, her hair messed up like a madwoman, her fists clenched, and a wild look to her eyes. Wilson shrieked like a little girl, and hid behind the sofa, believing that House had finally pushed the duckling too far, and she was going to stage the Princeton Plainsboro Chainsaw Massacre.

Cameron stamped into House's place, and completely ignoring the terrified Wilson, grabbed the completely astonished Greg House, and dragged him off the sofa, tword the bedroom.

"Help me Jimmy!!! She's gone mad!!!" shouted a scared Greg House.

"You're on your own, House!" friendship was one thing, but when someone was obviously deranged, every oncologist for himself.

Cameron dragged House into his own bedroom, kicked the door closed, and proceeded to ravish him. The sounds coming from behind the closed door told Wilson exactly what was going on, and with a giggle, he left the two to their fun. As James left House's place, he heard Cameron voice a loud, undulating battle cry. He could swear that he'd heard that sound before, on some forgotten television show...

"Lisa! You're never going to believe what just happened!" said an excited Wilson to his cell phone.

"Why don't you come over and tell me, James? And afterwards, we can make out." the low, sultry voice told James Wilson that something seriously strange was going on, but in a really good way. He cut off the gossip even before it began, and replied he'd be there in just five minutes.

"What is going on tonight?" asked James Wilson to himself. First Cameron, and now Lisa Cuddy were acting more than a bit strange. He pulled out of the parking lot, and as he headed over to Lisa Cuddy's place, he began to whistle a happy tune. At the first intersection, he made a left, and saw the full moon for the first time.

"Of course!" James Wilson sped up, the full moon casting its warm glow down on the city.

THE END.


	3. Prank Day

**Prank Day**

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As usual, on March 31st of every year, the staff of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital reminded each other to wear old, worn clothing the next day, and to be careful when they walked in the door in the morning. Anything could happen the next day, with both House and Cuddy working.

That night, House dragged Cameron to Spencer's Novelty and Gifts Shop at the Princeton mall. She naturally whined, but House was too happy this year to have a willing(somewhat) accomplice for his favorite day of the year. As a matter of fact, as soon as she discovered what pranks he was planning, a shy, hidden, yet totally evil grin escaped from her control.

"That's my girl!" said House, as they took the items he had selected to checkout.

The next morning, some of the more cowardly interns and residents had to be reprimanded for wearing football helmets to work. Nurse Brenda shook her head sadly, but even she could feel the tension. Both House and Cuddy had accomplices this year, House with his girlfriend Allison Cameron, and Cuddy's new squeeze, Dr. James Wilson. Betting among the nurses was already high, with House in the clear favorite, since Wilson was rather chicken.

Lisa Cuddy apprehensively walked into her office that morning. Last year, House had somehow smuggled in a goat into her office, but she was confident her new lock had kept her sanctum safe. She sat down, did her mail, and drank her espresso, then stood up to walk around her hospital, as she did first thing every morning.

"Good morning Brenda. Did House come in yet?" The one day of the year that House could be counted on coming on time, actually early, was April the First.

"Um, Doctor Cuddy, your..." Brenda pointed at Cuddy's behind. With a sinking feeling, Lisa Cuddy felt her butt, and peeled off the bumper sticker that said "If You Can Read This, You're Driving Too Close!" that had obviously been placed on her chair, sticky side up. Well, House should discover her first prank fairly soon, this morning.

"WHAT!" yelped House as he was writing "April Fools Day" on the white board. All his markers had been replaced with...ewww. Cameron giggled as the pink letters defiled the masculine purity of House's precious white board. Uncapping the remaining markers, and testing them out, House discovered that black, green, blue and other cool colors had been replaced with passionate pink, lavender, and horror of horrors, teal. House looked at the clock, and grinning satanically, he pulled out the remote control out of his pocket, and pressed the button.

Dr. Cuddy welcomed her first appointment of the day. Mrs. Katie Jacobs was a major benefactors to this hospital, and she usually made several very large donations every year. Cuddy leaned back in her chair, and began her pitch for the Pediatrics department.

"BRAAAAPPPPPP!!!" Dr. Cuddy shot upright, as the huge fart filled the room. She knew instantly what happened, and she dropped down, underneath her desk, to see if she could spot it. Cuddy stood up, holding the remote controlled flatulence sound machine, still attached to strips of duct tape.

"House?" asked Mrs. Jacobs, sympathetically.

"April Fools Day." replied Cuddy, with a sigh.

"Well then, Lisa, you'd better get going on getting him back. Here you go, and good luck!" Mrs. Jacobs was grinning as she handed over several envelopes to Dr. Cuddy, and left. This hospital was...kinda strange at times, but never boring, especially not with Dr. House on the staff. Resident genius, world famous specialist in infectious diseases, the last desperate chance for patients with diseases that baffled other doctors, and the mentality of a 13 year old. Having one of her own, she felt more than a little sympathy for Lisa Cuddy, so her donations this time were a bit larger than the norm. Thinking back to the time that House was playing around with a laser pointer, she laughed to herself.

House finished watching "General Hospital", and he stood up, and grabbed his cane. With a thump, he fell down on the floor.

"Wilson!" House bellowed.

"What?" replied Wilson. He knew exactly what, since he was the one who had snuck into House's office while he was engrossed in his soaps.

"Not quite as funny as a rubber crutch, but a rubber cane is right up there. You traitor." said House as he bent the wood colored rubber object.

"Now, get me my spare cane." said House, giving Wilson the Glare of Death. As Wilson scurried off to obey, House had an evil thought...he brought up Google, and quickly found the phone number he wanted...

"Dr. Cuddy, the new applicant for your personal assistant is here."

House and Cameron stepped out of the elevator on their way to lunch. It really was perfect timing, as they could look inside Lisa Cuddy's office, as the newest prospective hire entered her office. House's eyes lit up, and he held Allison's arm, while holding up his finger to his lips at her inquiring look. He simply pointed beatifically at Cuddy's office. God loves me, thought Greg House, as he realized he had a ring side seat to his prank.

The handsome young man entered Cuddy's office, and sat down. He then pulled out a boom-box to Cameron's surprise, and turned it on. To the loud and raunchy beat of the music, he began to dance and take his clothes off. Giggling hysterically, House and Cameron fled to the cafeteria. It really was unnatural how fast he was with a cane, thought Cameron for the ten thousandth time.

Dr. Cuddy was still steaming about the male stripper, even though the Clinic nurses found it insanely funny. She made a call to the cafeteria...

House bit into his Reuben, which was delivered, as specified without pickles. Of course as usual, he visually checked it.

"GAH!!!" House spat out the mouthful, and looked closer at his sandwich. Inserted into the folds of the roast beef were...chopped pickles!!!

"This means war." said House, as everyone nearby cringed in fear. Sooner or later, the Devil Woman, would leave her office to get her lunch at her favorite French cafe...

Cuddy locked up her office, and took off for a late lunch. Confident in her newly installed office door lock, guaranteed to be pick proof, she knew that not even Foreman would be able to break into her office for House while she was away.

House grinned evilly, and held up the spare he had bribed the locksmith into making. He and his ducklings walked into Cuddy's office, and after prudently closing the blinds, began their preparations. Naturally Chase was whining, and Foreman was disapproving, but Cameron was openly enjoying this a bit too much. Fortunately, the material they were using was extremely light, but very high volume...

Lisa Cuddy came back from her lunch to find the blinds to her office closed. That's strange, thought Dr. Cuddy, she didn't remember closing the blinds before she left? She opened the door, and...

"Whoosh!!!" A stream of Styrofoam packing peanuts covered her! House had filled her entire office full of Styrofoam packing peanuts!

"Hahahahahh!!!" Lisa Cuddy laughed until she couldn't stand up. They had started their informal prank war years ago, soon after House had been hired. Sure, it was messy, and inconvenient, but the smiles as the staff told and retold House's and Cuddy's attempts to one-up each other this year brightened the mood at the hospital for months. Now what could she do?

House came out of the bathroom. He went back into the Diagnostic's Department office, and looked at the white board full of symptoms. There wasn't going to be any solutions tonight, better to start up first thing tomorrow, with a fresh mind. He reached to put his cane on the back, where he usually hung it when he sat down.

"ZAPPPP!!!"

"OWWWWW!!!" House screamed as ten thousand volts of electricity shocked him. Cameron fell off her chair laughing at him, she was SO not going to get lucky tonight, the wombat was snickering, and even Foreman was grinning.

"She made us keep quiet." spoke up Cameron, still giggling. He gave them all his glare, and he swore as he looked at the time. Four O'Clock, time for the fun to end. He rode down to the first floor, followed by his still amused underlings.

"Good year. You're getting even more devious and sneaky, Cuddles."

"You're not so bad, old man."

They shook hands, as they did every year.

"Buzz! Buzz!"

Both House and Cuddy managed to look sheepish, as both had slipped on joy buzzers before they ritually ended this years shenanigans with a handshake.


	4. The Duckling Song

Ever wonder why House calls them "the Ducklings" in fanfiction? Oh, and if you don't know what the original song is...stop reading and watch more television! (Monty Python)

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The Duckling Song

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"I'll start the Ducklings on the usual tests, mock the usual negative results, and come up with my usual brilliant solution, and we'll all live happily ever after." Cuddy had caught up with House and Wilson as they had entered the elevator. But both of them were startled by what House had just said...

"The Ducklings?" asked Dr. Lisa Cuddy.

"You know, Cameron, Chase and the Dark One. I have officially christened them as the 'Ducklings'."

"Huh? Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you now call them the 'Ducklings'?"

"Why not? Had to call them something."

"You usually call them the three idiots. Why Ducklings, though? It's not that insulting..." asked Wilson.

"Well, Cuddy keeps calling me the big Quack around here, so that makes them the little quackers."

"And they'd have to be 'quackers' to work for you." smiled Lisa Cuddy.

"Good one, Cuddles. I see that carrying around the funbags hasn't yet deprived your brain of essential oxygen." Darn, he'd been beaten to the punchline...

The three doctors turned a corner, and saw...

"I'm a duck-ling, and I'm okay.  
I follow Greg House around all day." sang out Dr. Robert Chase.

"He's a duck-ling, and he's okay.  
He follows Greg House around all day." Doctors Cameron and Foreman were belting out the chorus.

"I primp my hair, I flash my teeth,  
I work in the laboratory.  
I look good, so when I'm at work  
The girls will sigh over me." smirked Chase.

"He primps his hair, He flashes his teeth,  
He works in the laboratory.  
He look good, so when he's at work  
The girls will sigh over him. (Foreman makes gagging noises)  
He's a duck-ling, and he's okay.  
He follows Greg House around all day." Foreman and Cameron sing the chorus while simultaneously rolling their eyes.

Now it was Foreman's turn to step forward to sing his verses.  
"I pick the locks, I argue with House.  
I like to steal i-deas.  
I got infected by an amoeba  
Sometimes things go way too far."

"He picks the locks, He argues with House.  
He likes to steal i-deas.(Cameron gives Foreman the finger behind his back)  
He got infected by an amoeba  
Sometimes things go way too far.  
He's a duck-ling, and he's okay.  
He follows Greg House around all day." This time Cameron and Chase sing the chorus.

"I run the tests, I wear poofy shirts,  
and a tight vest over my bra.  
I sex-u-ally harass my boss,  
Though he's older than Papa." now it was Cameron's turn.

"She run the tests, she wears poofy shirts,  
and a tight vest over her bra.  
she sex-u-ally harasses her boss,  
Though he's older than Papa." smirked Foreman and Chase.

It was at this point that Cuddy lost it, collapsing to the floor, giggling helplessly, as Wilson clutched his sides laughing until it hurt. House's expression of complete horror on his face just made the two of them laugh harder.

"She's a duck-ling, and she's okay.  
She watches House's butt all daaaay.  
She's a duck-ling, and she's okay  
She watches House's butt all daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay."

Allison Cameron, hearing the changes made to the chorus by the smirking Robert Chase and Eric Foreman, takes off her heels, and chases the two giggling doctors with fell intent. Cuddy and Wilson laugh even harder, watching the petite young doctor promise multiple contusions and many skull fractures on her chortling co-workers while they elude her, and House begins to join in the laughter.

"What the..." said House as he woke with a jerk. Allison Cameron mumbled in her sleep, curled up next to him on his battered sofa. They had fallen asleep, watching House's new flatscreen television. The ending credits for "Monty Python's Flying Circus" was on the screen, and House realized it was a dream. Oh man...that was some dream...an evil grin began to appear on House's face, and he wondered how Allison would take the idea...

"Dr. Cuddy! You have to come right away!" Nurse Brenda stuck her head in the door. Since House and Cameron had started dating a month ago, House wasn't as mean anymore. In fact, he started showing the mischievious streak she remembered so vividly from college...

"Come on, Chase! You can sing better than that!" laughed Cameron as Cuddy with Wilson in tow approached the Diagnostics Office. All of House's fellows had baseball caps on their heads, the yellow polystyrene foam shaped and painted into...a duck's head?

"I'm a duck-ling, and I'm okay.  
I follow Greg House around all day." sang out Dr. Robert Chase, his face clearly indicating he wished he was anywhere but here.


	5. CrossDressing Doctors

Yes, I am utterly insane...this...thing was inspired by Hugh Laurie's skit in "Saturday Night Live" where he dresses up in a purple sequin dress, blond wig and heels...

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**Cross Dressing Doctors**

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House:

I've never realized just exactly when I began to have fantasies about wearing my mom's clothing. When boys my age in school were thinking about becoming Firemen or Policemen when they grow up, all I wanted to be was a fashion model. I wanted to take that old, dusty black strapless cocktail dress in mum's closet, put on the matching black high heeled pumps, and just work it on the runway. I'm an adult now, and in the privacy of my own home, I put on these little fashion shows for Steve, and myself. Not even Wilson knows. I just love this new purple mini-dress, it makes my hips so nice and skinny. The purple sequins are a bit much, and makes it look kinda cheap, but it is so HARD finding something for a size 42 mens, with a six feet three inch frame. Now if I could just get some nice Prada pumps for size twelve...I comfort myself with the knowledge that one in 40 American men are cross dressers, so statistically, we've had at least one president sashay across the Oval Office dressed as a cheerleader...and NO, I AM NOT GAY! I just can't resist the feel of real cashmere blouses...

Cameron:

During my childhood, my mom tried everything to get me to dress like a real girl. But I couldn't help stealing daddy's work clothes, his rough denim shirts and painter's pants, and the washed khakis. In my professional adult life, I still loved those vests and dress slacks, which is the closest I can get to wearing men's clothing at work. Oh well, it's not too bad a fetish, right? I mean, these days tomboy-ishness is rather considered normal, right? But the sick, really twisted part is in my fantasies, is of going out with a guy who can work a black cocktail dress. I still love House, and in the darkness of night, I have dreams about him in a black cocktail dress...am I a perv?

House was dancing. He spotted those incredible black high heels sitting lost and forlorn at his favorite clothing shop, "Expressions: For the Alternative Lifestyles" and they called to him. They were perfect! Four inch heels, and that little glittery strap was to die for! House was wearing his favorite black pencil skirt, and that lacy, cream bustier, and while it was hard for him to manage both high heels and a cane, he was doing the strut, using his hips to give Steve the old "Va-Va-Va-Boom!!!" as he reveled in the way that his new shoes made his ankles look so pretty.

Then it happened. House tripped over the small rug next to his living room table. It all seemed to happen in slow motion, with a horrifying fascination. House distinctly heard his right leg snap with the sound of a tree branch breaking, as his left foot twisted. As the blinding pain took away his attention for a second, he was too late to put a hand out to break his fall. House fell into the glass and steel monstrosity that Stacy had insisted on buying eight years ago, having disposed of his old, battered coffee table. House had never trusted that modern, glitzy piece of crap. A coffee table should be made of wood, scarred with the imprint of countless mugs of the life-giving liquid put on its top. He had always known that glass and cripples don't mix, and as the tabletop shattered, it sliced his femoral artery on his right leg. He watched in fascination as the blood spurted...

"HOUSE!!! YOU IDIOT!!! GET A TOURNIQUET ON THAT BLEEDER!!!" What was Dr. Saicoctu doing in his home? Besides, wasn't she retired? House didn't think about the impossibility of hearing the voice of his old boss, who had made his internship pure hell. The only thing he had that would work was his bra. He ripped it off his chest, and quickly and efficiently tied off his leg. Good thing it was below the knee, above the knee could be tricky. House sighed as he realized he had sacrificed his one and only wonderbra, with the delightful bustline. Oh well...

"Snap out of it!" House said to himself. He was going into shock! His bleed was just a trickle, but he needed medical attention! House reached for his cell phone, thankfully still in his jacket, which he had tossed on to the sofa. Oh god. His first impulse was to call Wilson, but...no, Wilson could never know how...depraved he really was. His father had made his life living hell the first time he had caught him trying out his mother's clothes. Ice cold baths, and being kicked out of the house at night didn't even begin to cover what John House had done to him to discourage his...proclivities. He was going to die like this. And that's what made him decide. He couldn't bear the shame of the police finding him dressed like this, three or four weeks down the line, as the smell alerted the neighbors. That left only one person. Cameron. He had always been so afraid of her finding out about his...eccentricities, that's why he pushed her away. Stacy had never found out, but then again, Stacy wasn't all that smart, she never found the secret closet. Cameron was far more observant, and thanks to him, trained to look for hidden things and subtleties. But she was a genuinely good person, and he could trust her. He loved her, and even though he could never bear to look her in the eyes again, he didn't want to die.

"Cameron. Help me. I've sliced open my femoral artery. I've put a tourniquet on the wound, but it's still bleeding. Um...please don't be surprised when you see me, and help me cover it up. You'll know what I mean when you get here." House couldn't believe how calm he was. Maybe he was still a bit out of it.

"WHAT!!! HOUSE!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!!"

"Ow...I can hear you know. I'm at home, I just crashed into a glass table. Come first, yourself, DON'T send the EMT's to my house. Please?"

"I'll be right there!!!"

Cameron was there in less than ten minutes, and she quickly broke in, grabbing the spare off the door jamb. She stopped dead in her tracks as she saw what House was dressed in, but her quick mind grasped the situation. She used surgical tubing from her doctor's bag to apply a new and better tourniquet, and grabbing a garbage bag from the kitchen, disposed of the blood soaked brassier. Cameron then took out her surgical scissors, and ruthlessly cut away House's outfit. She disposed of the pieces in the garbage bag, revealing House clad in only boxer shorts. House's lingerie collection was sadly lacking, and besides, they were soaking in woolite that night. Cameron put the bag full of House's apparel in his bedroom, keeping them safely out of sight. She roused House, who had been in a blood loss induced daze, while she had been quickly and efficiently working to keep his secret safe. Cameron then called 911.

(Four months later)

House was lying back in bed, still marveling at the black silk teddy that Cameron had gotten for him. The intricate embroidery, and the beautiful pearl buttons were perfect! The matching silk garters and stockings were the perfect touch. He heard the door open, and Allison Cameron strode in, wearing old, faded, ratty and paintstained pair of oversized jeans. She was wearing an old much abused tee shirt, and she looked like just another Joe, off to do some hard work on the lawn, or clean out his garage. She stopped dead as she saw House waiting for her, dressed in sensuous midnight black silk. She dropped the dis-interested pose, and jumped on the bed, eager to touch his body.

"So what do we do now, Allison, now that we both know each other's secret fantasies?"

"Why, we keep loving each other, Greg."

"Good!"

The couple began to slowly and gently make love, as Greg House and Allison Cameron finally found complete and total acceptance in each other's arms.

(Meanwhile, across town)

"Wow. Four month's without House screwing it up." said James Wilson.

"Yep, if they keep it up until September, I win 500 bucks." replied Lisa Cuddy.

"October, and I've got a thousand."

"Enough about House, James. Don't mention his name again today."

"Yes...mistress."

"Now come here!" said Dr. Cuddy, as James Wilson obeyed. Most people didn't understand the psychology of domination and submission. In S & M roleplay, it was the submissive who was in true control, because he or she dictated the terms of the relationship, set the boundaries, and made the decision to accept the dominant partner. It felt so good to not be in control. It felt so good to finally have someone who understood, and accepted her for what she was. Lisa slowly stretched as James began to...ministrate to her needs, and the shiny black leather suit that she wore cracked and creaked as Dr. Cuddy felt her muscles finally relax after a long week of work.

(Meanwhile, in a different part of town)

"Hey, Eric, do you think they suspect?"

"Nah, Robert, you know House would never let us live it down."

"Ok, then kiss me."

"Ok." said Eric Foreman as he smiled.

Little did Robert Chase and Eric Foreman suspect that to other people, their relationship was actually the most...conventional of all three pairs.


	6. Smoke and Mirrors

This story came to me after the little Diagnostics game House played with the Ducklings in "Whack A Mole" season 3. This takes place immediately after everyone leaves for the day. You may need to rewatch the episode to get it...

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**Smoke and Mirrors**

----------------------------------------------

Dr. Allison Cameron had waited until House had left before she entered his office. She snapped on a pair of rubber gloves, because it was kinda gross. The juices still clinging to the wrapper of House's reuben sandwich had slopped all over the contents of his trash can. She carefully rummaged through the discarded stationary until she found the envelope marked with "The game is a itchy foot." She smiled in triumph at the confirmation of her theory. She had seen how clever House's fingers could be. She knew House was an accomplished musician, she had seen him juggle several times, and Wilson had mentioned that House was an amateur magician. Wilson still believed that House had stacked the deck in their little impromptu card game the night they had cured that little boy with Erdheim-Chester disease. He had lost over 1200 dollars. It was totally possible that House had palmed the envelope that had hung on his whiteboard all morning, and replaced it with one he had prepared after finding out which tests that they had each chosen. Foreman's test was obvious, he is a neurologist after all. But her choice and Chase's choice...no, she didn't believe that even House could have predicted them. Well, maybe she did. Certainly, it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility. House still astonished her with his intellect and perception. His genius was part of why she found him so sexy. But today's little game, it was obviously a bit of misdirection with smoke and mirrors. And she had figured it out!

Cameron opened the envelope, and with a wide grin read the note. The first sentence made her grin even more with appreciation at House's diagnostic skills. He was still the master. The second sentence, at the bottom caused her to stop smiling instantly and put a small, perplexed frown on her face.

"Hepatitis A."

"Nice going, Cameron."

Could House have predicted that she would guess that it was a trick, and wait until after hours to test her hypothesis? Yes, absolutely. Now the question was...which was the envelope he had originally written? Cameron nibbled on her lower lip, then she realized with a flash that she had the answer in her hands.

The envelope that she had just opened had a pristine cover. She knew that House had brought in a sandwich before the conclusion of his little game, and had eaten it in his office. Given his rather sloppy eating habits, it was no surprise that most of the discarded papers in his trashcan were stained with sauerkraut juice, and bits of corned beef. Therefore, he had tossed this envelope into his trash AFTER his lunch, after he had switched it with the envelope he had prepared with the knowledge of the tests. He had still uncannily predicted that she would search his trash after work, but SHE WAS RIGHT!

With a triumphant grin, Cameron tossed the envelope and letter back into House's trash can, and stripped off her rubber gloves. Later tonight, she would think about the situation with Tritter, and how it was affecting House and Wilson, and have a good worry with a glass of wine. But right now, she gloated in her little victory.

Greg House stepped out of the shadows across from the Diagnostics Lounge, after Cameron had picked up her things, and headed for home with her little smirk. She had grown so much this past year, she made him proud. Proud of her intellect and skills, her dedication and heart. Now she was beginning to step into his world, seeing the subtle clues that most people were too blind to see. He had many moments in his childhood when he was astonished at the sheer inability of everyone around him to miss those little details that screamed into his mind, those small things that told him so much. Most people lived their lives oblivious, and half asleep.

House limped over to his trashcan, and grabbed the letter and envelope he had prepared AFTER he had written down the tests he knew would be picked by Cameron, Chase and Foreman. They were so easy to predict, he had caught Chase's flicker of interest at what page he had left the patient's history, and he knew that Cameron would always choose the most direct path, would always test first for the simplest explaination. Of course Foreman would always test for things neurological, he had the mind most stuck in standard procedure, and accepted methodology. He had a lot to go with Foreman, he always missed the subtle stuff. House wadded up the letter and envelope, and tossed it into Cameron's trash. He pulled out of his desk drawer the envelope he had prepared for Chase, and tossed it into his trash can, before resuming his hiding place. He had a while to wait yet, Chase would make his own investigation after he saw Cameron leave. The real question was would Foreman make that intuitive jump he had been hoping for? House popped a vicodin pill, and settled down to wait. His shoulder hurt.


	7. Middle Name

Inspired by everyone's favorite rodent, Steve!

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**Middle Name**

---------------------------------------------

"Allison, can you get that?" called Dr. Gregory House out of the bathroom. Allison Cameron sighed, and tried to figure out her boyfriend's fondness for the unshaven look. Not that she was complaining, she found it delightfully masculine and a big turn on in their makeout sessions and lovemaking. She was a bit embarrassed, since both Foreman and Chase could instantly tell when the two of them had a "Gray's Anatomy" moment in the second floor storage closet. The slight red rash on her face left by his stubble was quite distinctive. Interestingly enough, the stubble required daily sessions with a specially bought electric razor using the clipper attachment, and took as much time as some men spent shaving normally.

Allison went to the door, with her wallet in hand to pay for the chinese food. "Greg, where's your wallet? I don't have enough cash on me." She called out.

"Trousers." replied House.

Allison went to the sofa, and removed enough bills to pay for the lo mein, peking duck, sweet and sour pork, and the vegetarian fried rice. She put the food on the living room table, and waited for House. He was right, chinese takeout tasted so much better in the little boxes, simply because you didn't have to worry about the dishes later. Allison was the type who couldn't bear to leave soiled dishes in the sink, unlike House. He did do the dishes when she cooked, which put her up one on Wilson when he dropped by. As she pointed out to Doctor James Wilson, she did have one advantage over him in getting House to do anything domestic. She could always withhold sex. The look on his face and House's laughter was priceless. She idly turned House's cluttered and rather disreputable wallet in her hands. She pulled out his driver's license, and giggled slightly at his expression in his photo. He was such a kid at times. It was rather adorable...

"Hey, Greg, I didn't know you had a middle name." she called out.

"Um...yeah."

"What does the V stand for?"

"What do you think it stands for?"

"Victor? Valentine? Come on, Greg, what does it stand for?"

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Then who would I sleep with?" snarked House as he limped to the sofa in his tee shirt and boxers.

"Come on, Greg, tell me." whined Cameron.

"Vicodin, of course." House then proceeded to kiss Allison, in that slow, unhurried, gentle way that always made her melt. Dinner was forgotten as Allison dragged a most cooperative House into the bedroom...

NEXT MORNING:

"Wilson, we need a protein marker test on Henry Williamson."

"Sure, Cameron."

"Um...Wilson, what's House's middle name?"

"House has a middle name?"

"Yeah, I saw his driver's license."

"Cameron, I had no idea that House has a middle name. What did you see?"

"Well, he's listed as Gregory V. House. He said it stood for 'Vicodin'." giggled Cameron.

"Let's go talk to Cuddy." Wilson's face lit up at the potential gossip material. As the two of them headed out for the office of the hospital administrator, and Wilson's girlfriend, he gave the file to one of his oncologists. He usually handled all consults from the Diagnostics Department himself, but this was just too much fun.

IN CUDDY'S OFFICE:

"Well, his personnel file lists it only as 'V'. Sorry Cameron, I have no idea. I didn't even know he had a middle name." said a grinning Lisa Cuddy.

"Oh poop, there has to be some way to find out." said Cameron.

"Dr. Allison Cameron, your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to ferret out the details of House's middle name, and come back and tell us all the good dirt." said Cuddy with a huge grin on her face.

"Ok, all of House's training in breaking and entering has to be good for something. I'll head over to the DMV tomorrow, and if that doesn't work I'll call his parents. If that doesn't work, I'll go for the old standby." said Cameron.

"The old standby?" asked Wilson, puzzled.

"Withholding sex, of course!" said Cameron and Cuddy in chorus.

"Cameron, you've got Clinic in an hour, right? Well, as your boss, I think I can see a way to give you some well deserved time off."

"I'll cover her Clinic hours." grinned Wilson.

"Great!" the three of them laughed delightedly.

LATER THAT DAY, IN CUDDY'S OFFICE:

"No joy. And I managed to call Blyth on the drive back, and she said I should talk to House about it."

"Oh, it must be good then!" said Cuddy.

"Vladimir? Vincent?" suggested Wilson.

"Well, I guess it's option three." smirked Cameron.

THREE DAYS LATER:

"Sorry Greg, I have a headache." said Cameron. Then, with a knowing smirk, the dirty despicable jerk took off his clothes, and started to play her favorite songs on the piano. With a low growl, Cameron gave in. Oh well...a woman had needs after all, and he did look so sexy...

NEXT MORNING:

The happy couple, the morning after the happy coupling, was watching the Steve McQueen festival on the American Movie Classics channel. Despite the fact that House had seen "The Great Escape" many times, and had not only the video tape, laser disk and the dvd, they held hands and watched the movie together. Lazing about on saturday morning, before doing domestic chores in the afternoon was a great way to relax after a busy week at the hospital. They had saved two patients from diseases that would have either left them crippled for life, or dead. For Cameron, there was the satisfaction of working with the man she loved, and knowing that they had saved lives of two people that other hospitals had simply given up on. The tear filled eyes of the loved ones as they squeezed her hands, thanking her with heartfelt gratitude in their voice made the long hours and hard work totally worth it. House would never admit it, but he also loved working with the woman in his life, and the cases had been unusually fascinating and difficult. They relaxed in their pajamas and settled back, digesting the breakfast Cameron had cooked.

The movie changed to a scene where Richard Attenborough, the man in charge of all escape attempts, was trying to recruit Hills, the part played by Steve McQueen in the movie. Hills (Steve McQueen) had just been asked to escape and then allow himself to be recaptured after performing a survey.

Attenborough: My name's Roger.

McQueen: All right Roger.

Attenborough: Your's is Virgil, right?

McQueen: Hills. Just make it Hills.

At this Cameron's eyes opened wide, and she looked at her boyfriend. House's crestfallen expression, and acute embarrassment confirmed her theory. This explained everything, including his preference to be called and use last names all the time. It even explained his special love of Steve McQueen movies...

"VIRGIL!!!" gasped out Cameron.

"DON'T, Allison. Please?" begged House. He then turned his patented trademarked puppy dog eyes on Cameron, and her resistance melted. But she was determined to exact a price...

"What have you done for me lately, Gregory Virgil House?" smirked Cameron.

With a smirk of his own, he led Cameron into the bed room. He didn't even mind it too much when Cameron screamed "VIRGIL!!! OH MY GOD, VIRGIL!!!" at the height of her passion.

Lisa Cuddy and James Wilson never did get the dirt on House about his middle name. Cameron found it endearing and sweet, and a whispered "Virgil" into his ear became their special signal to revisit the storage closet in the second floor.


	8. Sucker

I wrote this for the "Saturday Night Smut-a-thon." See? I don't just write humor.

** ---------------------------------------------------**

**Title: Sucker**

**Author: Andrew (my fault!)**

**Pairing(s): House, Cameron and lollipop**

**Warnings: dirty, naughty things done to a poor defenseless piece of candy.**

**------------------------------------------------------ **

Dr. Cuddy had assigned Cameron and House to clinic all week. The complaints from staff and patients about the new couple's propensity for PDA's had made Cuddy want to pull her hair out, and the Talk with the two of them had been less than...productive, due to the intense eye-sex which Cuddy had been forced to watch while trying to lay down the law on them. So, finally she had resorted to the tried and true tactic of forcing them to deal with hypochondriacs, worried moms and their bratty kids, and the occasional crotch rot "down" at the Clinic. Of course House just had to snicker at her choice of words as she made her decision known to them.

House sighed with relief as five o'clock rolled around, and the Clinic was closing for the night. This week had been hell, and House almost regretted being naughty when Cuddy had called them into her office. Nah, the sex that night had been...memorable. Of course, they had nearly died on the ride home, but it was totally worth it. They did have to make a new rule, Allison was only allowed to grope him at the stop lights. The two of them had been...as active as bunnies on Jimmy-Snacks all week, and he was so looking forward to this weekend, enjoying some alone time with Allison. It had only been a couple of weeks since they had begun to couple, and they were still trying to make up for all the lost time from the past three years.

Allison emerged from exam room one, frazzled and needing a shower. She could hardly wait to get back to House's place, and take a hot shower. Together. Her hair had begun to escape her ponytail, and House was treated to the sight of several vagrant curls of hair floating around her lovely face, even one delightfully following the curve of her neck, twisting subtlety around her creamy white throat. She had never looked so desirable to him before...

House gave an evil, evil grin, and looked at the plastic container full of lollipops on the counter. Aha! Lucky! House picked up a lime sucker, which due to a manufacturing defect had a large, round bump on the side. Making eye contact with Allison, House held up his candy to her surprised gaze.

"House, what?" asked Cameron in confusion. She had her tote ready, and her present from House clutched in her left hand. The motorcycle helmet with the picture of Minny Mouse in a high school cheerleader's uniform had excited more than a few comments, and some peculiar looks at Cameron. That jerk. Secretly, though, Cameron had been more than a bit amused at her boyfriend's choice of helmet style. Hence the outfit she had bought during lunch secreted in her tote bag. He was going to be so surprised tonight...

House knew he was going to enjoy this. The Clinic was shutting down, only the nurses were left. House simply held up the sucker, and maintained eye contact with Allison. There was still a questioning look in Cameron's face, but she simply stood waiting for House to reveal his game.

House slowly proceeded to unwrap his candy. House held the candy in his left hand, and slowly, flicked the plastic wrapper twisted around the stick with the fingernails of his right hand. With a tiny pop, the corner of the wrapper detached from the cardboard "stick". House's fingers then pulled on the wrapper, unhurried and precise. His eye's never leaving Allison's, he tugged at the plastic wrapper, and slowly unwound it from around the sucker, slowly easing the "clothing" off the confection. Then, as the candy on a stick was almost completely unwrapped, House, almost violently jerked the wrapper off the lime sucker. Cameron gasped, as well as the nurses watching the silent interplay between the two doctors. With a thump, Cameron's tote and helmet hit the carpeted floor.

Now there was an almost cruel expression on House's face, as he looked at the "naked" candy. He slowly parted his lips, to shove the whole thing into his mouth, then House looked as if he had a sudden change in his mind. He looked at the candy thoughtfully, and lasciviously, then opening just enough for his tongue, ever so slowly licked the base. He twirled the candy so that Allison could see the bump, then he proceeded to run his tongue around the confection, deliberately missing the bump with each languid stroke. Allison gasped to the sight of House enjoying his sugary treat, and there was an almost unbearable tension to her gaze, as House traced the contours of the candy with each loving lick, but deliberately missing the round protrusion with the tip of his tongue. The nurses who had not yet left for the day couldn't take their eyes off the two doctors, and there was a sympathetic hiss of breath at the sight of Allison Cameron, her eyes locked with House's. Her whole entire body was a silent plead, for House to finally give attention to that part of the candy's anatomy...

The tension rachetted as House continued to savor his treat, deliberately and maliciously avoiding that SPOT. Cameron was on pins and needles, her toes curling as she watched House's tongue. Just when it seemed that she would scream in frustration, House opened his mouth further, and nipped gently at the base of the round bump with his white teeth.

"Eek..." squeaked Allison, along with the nurses who were avidly watching.

To make up for the lack from before, House's tongue was frantic as he licked that sweet, sweet bump on the side of the sucker. He alternated between broad strokes, using the flat of his tongue, to mischievous flicks with the point. Allison's legs felt rubbery and she shivered as she watched her lover and boss lavish intense attention on the candy. Finally, with a grin that could only be described as (deleted)-eating, he pushed the lollipop into his mouth, bit into the chewy center (causing another gasp from all the watching nurses), slung his knapsack, and offered the crook of his left arm to a very...hot and bothered Allison Cameron.

"Ready to go, Allison?"

Cameron mumbled something unintelligible, and grabbing her stuff, lacing her right arm through House's left. All the nurses sighed in relief as the most controversial couple at PPTH left for the day. Of course, Allison had to have the last words...

"I'm so GLAD you don't shave, Greg."

With those seven words, Nurses Brittany and Meggie moaned, almost in anguish. Lindsay, Liz and Mira had hot flashes, and fanned themselves. It was never boring when those two were around...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy slid slowly down to the ground. She had been leaning against the wall, half hidden, while she witnessed House's little display with that piece of candy. Oh dear god, House could be so...so...

"Hello, James? Are you coming over later? Yep, I'm feeling frisky. Oh, and James? Do you have a five o'clock shadow right now? Good! Please do me a favor, don't shave, Ok?"

With a tiny smirk, Lisa Cuddy stood up. Things were looking up.


	9. Naked Pictures

This is "Naked Pictures" which happen immediately after Season Three Finale. This is a sweet story, and according to others, one of my best. Now I've got a dilemma. I am planning to post "House 2107: Tape Up the Wombat" which is my comedy/science fiction story in a separate story thread. Should I do that with "Housebusters Trilogy"? Yes, I wrote not one, or two but three crossovers with House and Mythbusters. What do you think, continue to add to this thread or start another thread?

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Naked Pictures

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"Better be naked pictures." House growls to Cameron as she hands over the envelope.

"I'm resigning, House." You sit there for hours, finally allowing your emotions to show after she had left, when she couldn't see them. The envelope sits on your desk for days, until Cuddy finally confronted you about your missing duckling. You tell Cuddy's chest that the cutest duckling has finally flown out of the nest, stretching her wings, and flying off into the sunset. Cuddy demands the resignation letter, because HR has to have a copy on file to close her employment. So you finally limp over to your desk, to open the envelope that you had been hoping would disappear if you wish it hard enough.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!" You scream in astonishment. Inside the envelope are...pictures of Allison Cameron, as naked as the day she was born, sitting on a beach, the sun and the wind making her hair a golden halo. With her in some shots is a beautiful red head, with a spectacular figure, and it is now obvious what Cameron had been doing over summer. The dates on the pictures indicate that your lovely immunologist had been vacationing during the time he had been recuperating over your gunshot, vacationing at a nude beach. Her friend is...very pretty, but you can't keep your eyes off of...Her. Your eyes devour every inch of the reality of the body you've fantasized for so long, and she exceeds even the vision of perfection your mind has conjured. She is so beautiful...

You're interrupted by nosy, annoying Wilson who had come at the scream. You send him along the way, and you return to contemplate her pictures. The only explanation that was possible was that Cameron had accidentally mixed up her resignation letter and her personal photos. The gentlemanly, socially appropriate thing would be to stop shuffling through them, memorizing every detail, and either mail them to her or return them in person. But you're House. So with the beginnings of a cunning plan in your mind, you limp out of the hospital, easily dodging Cuddy with the ease of long practice. You get on your motorcycle and drive toward a destination that you know by heart...

"What is it House?" She looks beautiful, wearing faded and torn overalls, and you can see moving boxes behind her.

"You never officially resigned."

"What the hell game are you playing, House? I gave you my letter of resignation three days ago." You're suddenly consumed by the desire to kiss that lovely crinkle on her forehead, the one that she has whenever you make her mad. You realize how much you've missed it...and her.

"You mean these? The only things I see is that you've resigned from wearing clothes..." You hold out the incriminating photos, and you're rewarded by her scarlet blush. You use your greater height over her ruthlessly, holding the photos beyond her reach, as she makes a sudden (and foreseen) grab for them.

"HOUSE! GIVE THEM BACK!!!"

"Not unless...you go on a date with me." Her vexed and perplexed expression is your favorite one, the one that has always made her look completely adorable. You knew she was expecting something else, something typically House-ian. You delight in her pure astonishment and her complete surprise. You have to win her back, this was your last chance.

(Three hours later.)

It somehow felt right to be back in Café Spiletto, as corny and Cameron-ish as it sounds. You're both practically wearing the same identical outfits as the first time. You wish you had thought to buy another corsage for her, but Cameron, with a smile slipped a rose into the buttonhole of your jacket when you drove to pick her up. Her smile gives you hope, but during the drive she lost that smile, and you can see the fear in her eyes, and rightly so, that this whole evening was part of some master plan to humiliate her. Gradually, the fear turns to anger, and her grey eyes are cold by the time you reach your destination.

After the chitchat, the same as last time, you take the deepest, longest breath of your life, and you tell her the truth.

"I have one chance with you. Just one chance to make you stay. Tell me how you would feel if I asked you to stay, to stay with me. Tell me the truth, Cameron." You can't believe the words that just came out of your mouth, but you know you've instinctively chosen the only words that could break through her shell of ice, and cold fury. To make her forgive him for the years of pushing her away, the years he couldn't believe someone this beautiful and good could possibly want a crippled, drug addicted jerk like himself. For years he had tried to pierce her defenses, to find some hidden agenda, some psychological flaw in her that would make her want him, Gregory House, a box of broken glass. But he never found anything, no matter how much he looked, and he was faced with the realization that he had caused suffering to a genuinely good and caring person, who had once "liked" him. He hoped he hadn't hurt her beyond bearing, hurt her beyond forgiveness. You watch Cameron gather her thoughts, to get past her surprise. And your heart sinks as you realize she is trying to remember words, words she has rehearsed in her mind, never thinking that she would actually have a chance to use them. Words to reject and cut, words to wound and stab, the man sitting in front of her, the man who had rejected, cut, wounded and stabbed her in the heart.

"You live under the delusion that you can't be loved, that you're not perfect for someone. That's why you've pushed me away for so long. What you can't believe, you reject. You believe that you're my charity case, because you can't conceive how anyone could even like you. You can't believe someone half your age, and pretty could possibly have feelings for you. But I do, and while I may be damaged, my 'liking' you comes from you, from the most extraordinary man I've ever known, from who you are, and my feelings for that man."

(Nineteen years later.)

"You both blackmailed each other into your first and second official dates?" Olivia House breaks down into gales of laughter, while her twin Callum tries to suppress his huge grin. But you can tell he's not trying very hard, and truth be told, it was very funny looking back after the fullness of the past two decades...

"Well, your father and I..." began Allison House.

"Are nutty. And we totally had to do things in the hardest way possible." You lean against your wife of eighteen years, and if age hadn't spared her face, she is even more beautiful than the day you had both met for the first time.

"Wait a second. That whole business with the naked pictures, it wasn't a mistake, was it mom?"

"Always the smart one, Olivia. Yep, I gave your father naked pictures of myself deliberately." Allison had a huge grin on her face. They had both laughed about it after the wedding, when Allison finally confessed the truth.

"Who says that pornography doesn't lead to marriage?"

"Greg!!!"

"Ow! Still got the sharp elbows, Allison!"

As the two began arguing companionably, Olivia looked at her crazy parents. She had never known anything besides her slightly nutty home, and the love of two people who were still completely head over heels with each other all her life. Her parents could be so embarrassing at times...


	10. The Pharmacy Skit

**The Pharmacy Skit!**

(Monty Python fans will get this immediately. If you have never seen the "Cheese Shop Skit" Google it, and watch it first. Oh, and it would be good to watch "The Fish Slapping Skit" too...)

"Good Morning." Said Dr. Gregory House to the new Pharmacist.

"Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital Pharmacy!" Said the slightly floppy haired (and goofy looking) Pharmacist, with an obviously British accent.

"Ah, thank you, my good man." Doesn't hurt to be polite to Dispensers of Pain Meds.

"What can I do for you, Sir?"

"Well, I was, uh, sitting in the Diagnostic Department on the third floor just now, skimming through "Monster Times" by Monster Truck Publications, and I suddenly came over all ache-ish." It has to be his silly accent, thought House. Now he was talking in a fake accent himself, unable to keep from mocking the Pharmacist.

"Ache-ish, sir?"

"Discomfort."

"Eh?"

"'Ee, ah wor 'aching-loike!" Perhaps if he spoke in a language the Pharmacist could understand...

"Ah, in pain!"

"In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little acetaminophen and opiate will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Monster Truck perusal activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some pain-med comestibles!"

"Come again?"

"I want to get some Vicodin."

"Oh, I thought you were complaining about the accordion player!"

"Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Tyrolean muse!" House couldn't help rolling his eyes at his own obviously mendacious statement about that horrible squeeze box music. Just what was Foreman thinking anyway?

"Sorry?"

"'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!" Oh the things he was forced to endure for his beloved meds...

"So he can go on playing, can he?"

"Most certainly! Now then, some pain meds please, my good man."

"Certainly, sir. What would you like?"

"Well, eh, how about a little Vicodin."

"I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Vicodin, sir."

"WHAT! Oh, never mind, how are you on Demerol?"

"I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday."

"Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four bottles of Percocet, if you please."

"Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning."

"'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Lorcet or Lortab?"

"Sorry, sir."

"Oxycontin?"

"Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down."

"Ah. Dilaudid?"

"Sorry."

"Percodan, Lorcet Plus, Ultram, Celebrex?"

"No."

"Advil, perhaps?" Asked House sarcastically.

"Ah! We have Advil, yessir."

"You do! Excellent." Oh well, it was better than nothing...

"Yessir. It's..ah,...it's a bit expired..."

"Oh, I like it expired."

"Well,.. It's very expired, actually, sir."

"No matter. Fetch hither the ibuprofen! Mmmwah!"

"I...think it's a bit more expired than you'll like it, sir."

"I don't care how fricking expired it is. Hand it over with all speed."

"Oooooooooohhh...!"

"What now?"

"The cat's eaten it."

"Has he." What kind of a hospital pharmacy has a cat?

"She, sir."

"Motrin?"

"No."

"Nuprin?"

"Aleve, Vanquish?"

"No."

"You...do have some painkillers, don't you?"

"Of course, sir. It's a pharmacy, sir. We've got--"

"No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess."

"Fair enough."

"Uuuuuh, Ectotrin.

"Yes?"

"Ah, well, I'll have some of that!"

"Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Ectotrin, that's my name."

"Your parents hated you, didn't they? Anacin?"

"Not today, sir, no."

"Aah, how about Asprin?"

"Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir."

"Not much ca-- it's the single most popular analgesic in the world!"

"Not 'round here, sir."

"AND what IS the most popular analgesic 'round hyah?"

"Nitrous Oxide, sir."

"IS it."

"Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this hospital, squire."

"Is it. You do realize, my good man that this is a hospital and not a DENTIST'S OFFICE!"

"It's our number one best seller, sir!"

"I see. Uuh...Nitrous, eh?"

"Right, sir."

"All right. Okay. Have you got any?" House asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

"I'll have a look, sir...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno."

"It's not much of a pharmacy, is it?"

"Finest in the city!"

"Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please." Demanded House.

"Well, it's so clean, sir!"

"It's certainly uncontaminated by meds..."

"You haven't asked me about Chloroform, sir."

"Well, besides the fact that this isn't the nineteenth century, would it be worth it?"

"Could be..."

"Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY ACCORDION OFF!" Where did Foreman ever learn to play the fricking accordion anyway?

"Told you sir..."

"Have you got any Chloroform?"

"No."

"Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me..." Said House in that soft, dangerous tone he reserved solely for the purpose of scaring the heck out of people who were REALLY annoying.

"Yessir?"

"Have you in fact got any pain meds here at all."

"Yes, sir."

"Really?"

(pause)

"No. Not really, sir."

"You haven't."

"Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir."

"Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you." Said Greg House regretfully.

"Right-Oh, sir."

(House pulls out a dead fish! What on earth was a fish doing in the pocket of his lab coat?)

"What the hell? Where's the cap gun!"

"Um...Cameron swapped it out because I nearly got an embolism holding in my sneezes in rehearsal. You filled the cap gun with tear gas blanks, House!" protested Robert Chase.

"Oh. Time to improvise then." House thereupon proceeds to slap Chase, playing the role of the Pharmacist, several times with the dead mackerel. He knew who had really replaced the original prop with a dead Pisces...

"What a senseless waste of human life." Said House as Chase fell back behind the counter to avoid his fishy attack.

House, Chase and Foreman, who still had the squeezebox strapped to his chest took their bows as the audience erupted in applause. Several hospital employees were still in stitches, unable to keep from giggling at the skit. So far, " A Night of British Comedy" was a rip-roaring success, much better than the masque ball last year by the Oncology Department. Though Allison in that shiny black leather...stop it, pay attention!

Allison Cameron hopped out in her spandex Playboy Bunny costume, and changed the placard at the front of the stage from "The Pharmacy Skit" to "The Duckling Song" as the curtain closed. She was going to have to hustle to change into her duck costume, along with Chase and Foreman. It looked like the Diagnostic Department's turn to host the annual fund raiser was going perfectly...


	11. History

History

We need this patient's history

Without it a diagnosis will never be

That's why we need to get the history

Different country

This patient lives in a different country

And I know that airline tickets don't grow on a tree

So treatment is difficult that's plain to see

Include that in the patient's history

Estuary

He lives in a houseboat on an estuary

Which is handy for his work with the Thames Water Authority

Infection is possible, because it's insanitary

Insanitary

Taken a violent dislike to me

I'd be foolish to ignore the possibility

That the loved ones if we met, would punch or kick me

Still, that's not the only problem that I can see

Dead since 1993

You've been dead now . . . wait a minute, let me see

Fifteen years come next January

Why we took this case is an utter mystery

So why do we still investigate you?

Wouldn't being dead make it hard to treat you?

What interest could we have in you?

Well, I guess we won't get his history.

As Doctor Greg House finished his song, all the patients in the Clinic clapped. Cameron, Chase and Foreman were openmouthed with shock as House finished the last few bars on the piano. The instrument had been left there from the night before when Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital had (yet another) fundraiser. Of course at this point, Dr. Cuddy advanced with the wraith of god in her eyes.

"HOUSE!! You won't get out of clinic hours by entertaining the patients! Exam room two!" she shoved a file at Greg House, and stamped away, head held high with righteous indignation. As soon as she was out of sight of the Clinic, she leaned up against a wall, and giggled. It was hard to remember sometimes that he had an absolutely devistating sense of humor, hidden (well hidden) behind the prickly exterior.


	12. PPTH!

**PPTH! (A highly insane and silly song)**

House, Wilson, Chase and Foreman file into the almost deserted Karoke bar. House is wheeling in the Coma-Guy's bed in front of him. The only patrons are Cuddy and Cameron, both with empty shot glasses and a half bottle of tequila in front of them. Cameron is giggling helplessly at what the guys are wearing. Wilson is wearing the construction worker's outfit, and Chase is wearing the native american outfit. Foreman naturally is stuck with the motorcycle cop outfit. House is wearing the cowboy suit, complete with leather chaps over jeans, leather vest, and cowboy hat. The poor Coma-Guy is wearing the black leather biker outfit.

"I still don't understand House, if YOU lost the bet, how come we all have to sing and dance?" asked Wilson plaintively.

"Bro's before Ho's. Besides, you don't seriously expect me to dance on stage do you? I got a note..." began House.

"Why are we dragging the poor Coma-Guy in with us? By definition, he can't sing or dance regardless of any ability he might have had before!" stated Foreman.

"We need a fifth person. And I certainly wasn't going to wear the black leather biker's outfit." replied House.

"Stop stalling House! Are you boys ready?" Cuddy staggers to the Karoke machine, and selects the Village People's "Y.M.C.A." As the music starts, the fifth of scotch shared between them begins to work. The overhead lights begin to dim, spotlights come on, and the boys begin to strut and dance to the upbeat 70's tune. House grabs the microphone, and begins to sing surprisingly well. Naturally the Coma-Guy just lies there, still dressed in the black leather biker's outfit.

Patients, there's no need to feel down

I said patients, pick yourself off the ground

I said patients, 'cause there's a new doc in town

There's no need to be unhappy

Patients, there's a place you can go

I said patients, when other docs don't even know

You can go there, and I'm sure you will find

They can ex-tend your life-time

You gotta go to the PPTH!

You gotta go to the PPTH!

They have every-thing, all the doctor toys

Even though one guy really annoys

You gotta go to the PPTH!

You gotta go to the PPTH!

Your coming has been forseen

And here is the raw deal

They will help you to heal

Patients, are you listening to me

I said patients, you can be disease-free

I said patients, It's not as bad as it seems

But you've got to know this one thing

Go find Dr. House your-self

I said patient, make sure he helps you himself

Just go find him, at the PPTH

He's work-ing down at the clin-ic today

You gotta go to the PPTH!

You gotta go to the PPTH!

They have every-thing, all the doctor toys

Even though one guy really annoys

You gotta go to the PPTH!

You gotta go to the PPTH!

Your coming has been forseen

And here is the raw deal

They will help you to heal

Patient, I was once in your shoes

Doc said, Your life, you will certainly lose

I felt no man cared if I was alive

Didn't know how I would sur-vive

That's when this guy came up to me

And he said patient, take a walk up the street

There's a place there called the PPTH

They can start you back on your way

You gotta go to the PPTH!

You gotta go to the PPTH!

They have every-thing, all the doctor toys

Even though one guy really annoys

PPTH!

You gotta go to the PPTH!

Your coming has been forseen

And here is the raw deal

They will help you to heal

PPTH!

You gotta go to the PPTH!

Patient, I was once in your shoes

Doc said, Your life, you will certainly lose

PPTH!

As the song finishes, and the lights come on, Cuddy and Cameron can barely manage to clap their hands because of the uncontrollable giggling fit they're experiencing.

"GOT YOU, HOUSE! This is enough blackmail material to last for decades!!" Cuddy jumps up, brandishing a small camcorder she had hidden on the table, covered by her purse. She pumps her right arm, and cackles in glee. Finally she had won a bet against House, and victory was sweet indeed. Cameron falls off her chair, giggling even harder as she finally realizes what happened.

"I don't think so." House's cool and smug statement sobers up Cuddy. House simply points to behind Cuddy, and she sees the entire staff of the Princeton-plainsboro Teaching Hospital behind her. They had snuck in while the boys were doing their number. Most of them are on the floor, giggling or laughing as hard as Cameron.

"Can't blackmail me with common knowledge, can you, Dr. Cuddy?" Cuddy's face falls as she realizes that her elaborate plan of evil genius to blackmail House wasn't going to work. Oh well, there was always tomorrow...


End file.
